Pirates of The Carribean: On Stranger Tides

"Look over there, Penelope. It's shameless franchising."
My girlfriend Ricky was adamant against seeing On Stranger Tides and wouldn’t come see it with me. And after the Michael Bay-inspired mess of a third movie, I don’t blame her in the least. So, I had to suffer the midnight premier’s full house of pre-pubescent girls experiencing some sort of strange sexual awakening with the assistance of a forty year old pirate, post-pubescent girls dressed to the nines in Hot Topic-bought decor, and a random assortment of gay men (when I asked them about it, they insisted I referred to them as “bears”) dressed up like pirates. Sadly, the crowd was the most interesting part of the movie. 

I’m at least happy to report that it’s not nearly as long as its predecessors and not nearly as “why the fuck did that giant black lady turn into a bunch of crabs?” Remember? I don’t blame you if you don’t. The only thing I really remember about it was Orlando Bloom making sweet, sweet love to Keira Knightley’s knee. So yes, at least this one is understandable. And it’s also totally boring and not worth the two hours it still is. It’s all the old Pirates tricks, rehashed and repackaged at a higher rate cause of the 3D. On a somewhat related tangent, when will Hollywood realize that no one likes 3D? I can appreciate the subpar acting of Sam Claflin and Astrid Berges-Frisbeyjust just a well in 2D.

Captain Jack’s back at least, right? Right? Well, sort of. Johnny Depp seems bored, like his minds a million miles away making up weird characters for Tim Burton. It’s like SNL doing a half-hearted impression more than the real deal. Jack Sparrow is iconic, let’s be honest, and it’s sad to see such a great character get plowed into the ground for the sake of franchising. I really hope Mr. Depp wises up and opts out of the inevitable Pirates 5. Penelope Cruz also doesn’t bring much either. You’d expect a (spoiler alert, but not really) ex-lover of Jack to be a feisty one, but Penelope just seems to flounce about in a sexy outfit and not do much for anyone. Especially Johnny Depp, who has no chemistry with her whatsoever. The supporting cast is the usual bunch of salty archetypes. Although it is weird to watch Geoffrey Rush now. I kept thinking, “He has an awful bad speech pattern for a voice coach to the king of England.” 

More good news for this bad movie: Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are not in it. Not in the least. But, just for good measure apparently, they’ve found two subpar actors to play out the inevitable, really uninteresting B-plot romance between some missionary and a mermaid. I’m sure you know where it goes and it’s not really worth discussing. Sam Claflin is apparently meant to feel the wet-dream shoes of Orlando, but he end up being about as alluring as a piece of cardboard. The mermaids were a nice touch though, even though they didn’t seem to do all that much. My girlfriend Ricky likes mermaids; maybe she would have appreciated all of this more than me. I’m not really one for sappy romance. But then again, neither is she.

I really don’t know what else to say about this movie that you probably haven’t already figured out for yourself the moment they announced it. It wasn’t meant to be good, it was meant to make money, and if the crowd at the midnight premiere is any indicator, it will make plenty of it. It being a bad movie will have no effect. In the end, it’s a lot of action sequences strung together by the same old, same old Pirates stuff we’re used to. I left the theater thoroughly underwhelmed, while the girls all swooned. I’m really disappointed in this series. It used to be a favorite of mine until the franchise bug came and bit it in the ass. It’s depressing, but that’s Hollywood nowadays.

What else can you do? At least if Ricky had come, I’d have someone to sit in the back and make fun of it with. But I had to do with striking up conversation with Daddy Bear next to me, who offered me a sip of his Slushy. Literally, not sexually. He told me he came with his leather club for the hairy, good-looking men. I told him I came for a movie and he laughed at me and told me that Hollywood doesn’t do movies anymore; they do T-shirts and action figures.

Ricky will get a laugh out of that. I just thought it was sad. 

Final Consensus: 2/5

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Samuel Wolf is a freelance writer for Pop Connect. Pop Connect assembles various blogs centered on pop culture from our writers and then compiles an actively updated website. We are based in San Diego, CA. For job postings, please visit our website.